Why I binge?

To get over this I need to figure out why I binge?
1. I am bored
2. I am alone
3. I am lonely
4. I feel like no one loves me.
5. I am dissappointed or upset
6. I am stressed out
7. To feel numb

I hate feeling numb and sick, my heart rate increases when I am in the middle of binge. I guess thats the sign its an addiction, one that needs to stop! For good.

When did this start for me?
Middle school or the beginning of high school

I lost all my friends in middle school over stupid girl drama. I was picked on alot. My parents were never around. I spent alot of time alone. I was an athlete so I could get away with eating alot. I was obsessed with my body and would go on strict diets that I could not keep up with.
I never told my parents that I really had no friends, and I never told anyone how lonely I felt. I held all my emotions in from then on. It's time to let everything out. If I could cry I would, it has been so long since Ive felt anything. Once my Grandpa died when I was in seventh grade I had a rush of emotions and since then nothing. Its like I had been holding everything in for so long when he died I fell appart but then I picked up all the emotion, put it in a box and hid it away for eight years.

How am I feeling now?
Excited about making a change in my life.
Insecure with my body.
The need to be my goofy self and make myself vulnerable again.
Scared to let people in.
Happy that I finally let a friend in on my JRA and I think even though he just moved to Utah and has known me a short time he can understand me a bit better :)
I am scared about my friends finding out about this and treating me differently.

What I know
1. My parents love me, I just don't know how to let them in on this.
My family loves me and that is enough for now!
I am smart.
I am beautiful, even if I ate like a pig today.
God will love me no matter what.