Purpose of Life

So i have been reading the purpose driven life. Well I started today, in my quest to find God in my life in order to help me deal with my COE.

The question today is : How can I remind myself that life is really about living for God, not for myself?

By wearing a what would jesus do bracelet to remind myself that I am living for God. What would he do in a given situation. I know this is materialistic but its the best way I can think to remind myself.

My Fears

I think alot of my problems are due to my fears so I want to get them out there and known so I can get over them.
What exactly am I affraid of?
-Being rejected
-being overweight, because I dont think anyone will like me
-being alone
-not being good enough
-disapointing others
-being judged by others, but i think i judge myself harsher than anyone else ever could.
-letting people into my life

It seems like all my fears are me not thing that I am good enough. I need to learn to love myself.
What I want
-success
-love
-close friends I can tell anything to
-good grades this semester
-a hott body
-a relationship with god
-a closer relationship with my family

My Moral Inventory

My honesty needs work. I lie about stupid things for absolutely no good reason.
Ive stolen things from friends and family, stupid little things like food.
I think I am better than alot of people, smarter than some, prettier than some but I still have low confedience and wonder why boys are interested in me or why people want to be my friend.
I have a low self worth.
I am not a very patient person. I want it and I want it now. For instance I want to be cured and fixed now but I am accepting that it's going to take time and work.
I am becomming lazy, I never used to be.
I get jelous of people who are thinner than me or more physically attractive or who get more attention from boys.
I pity myself from time to time. I feel bad about things that have happened to me and sometimes I want attention from people even if that means making them feel sorry for me.
I dont always treat people very well.
I fear letting people into my life. I want to protect myself. I dont want to get hurt or turned down again.

Mistake

I binged, already. Tomorrow is a new day and I need to entrust more faith in the Lord to help me stay strong.

Why did I binge
-I wanted attention maybe? Food is always there for me. My mom was stressed and complaining. It was my escape.

Day 1

I cannot sleep tonight. Maybe it's the anticipation of fixing myself tomorrow, maybe I am worried about going to the Doctor and annoyed that I have to go in the first place. Maybe its all the sugar and caffine that I downed yesterday. Its about 5am and I cant wait to "get up" and detox. Im ready to make this change. Im glad I am doing it gradually first. Eliminating sugars first and then the refined carbohydrates after I have detoxed from the sugar. I really wish that I could sleep. I just hope I do good tomorrow. I am in control, I just need to stay strong and finally experience these emotions I have been keeping locked up for years and years.

Why I binge?

To get over this I need to figure out why I binge?
1. I am bored
2. I am alone
3. I am lonely
4. I feel like no one loves me.
5. I am dissappointed or upset
6. I am stressed out
7. To feel numb

I hate feeling numb and sick, my heart rate increases when I am in the middle of binge. I guess thats the sign its an addiction, one that needs to stop! For good.

When did this start for me?
Middle school or the beginning of high school

I lost all my friends in middle school over stupid girl drama. I was picked on alot. My parents were never around. I spent alot of time alone. I was an athlete so I could get away with eating alot. I was obsessed with my body and would go on strict diets that I could not keep up with.
I never told my parents that I really had no friends, and I never told anyone how lonely I felt. I held all my emotions in from then on. It's time to let everything out. If I could cry I would, it has been so long since Ive felt anything. Once my Grandpa died when I was in seventh grade I had a rush of emotions and since then nothing. Its like I had been holding everything in for so long when he died I fell appart but then I picked up all the emotion, put it in a box and hid it away for eight years.

How am I feeling now?
Excited about making a change in my life.
Insecure with my body.
The need to be my goofy self and make myself vulnerable again.
Scared to let people in.
Happy that I finally let a friend in on my JRA and I think even though he just moved to Utah and has known me a short time he can understand me a bit better :)
I am scared about my friends finding out about this and treating me differently.

What I know
1. My parents love me, I just don't know how to let them in on this.
My family loves me and that is enough for now!
I am smart.
I am beautiful, even if I ate like a pig today.
God will love me no matter what.

Step 1-There is more to life than food.

This is my first step. I realize that a change needs to be made. The first step is to admit that I have a problem with food, and oh yes I do have a problem. I may be 5'8 and 138 pounds, not your averge over eater but I eat until my body makes itself puke. I eat to numb the pain. I eat when I am bored. I eat when a boy breaks up for me, or blows me off for a date. I eat when my friends don't call me to hang out. I eat when I get a bad grade. I want to make myself vulnerable again like when I was a child. I don't want to isolate myself anymore and by a stone. This problem is not just about stone. It's about not facing emotions. I need God in my life. I need his help. I need to be vulnerable and let other people into my life and my problems. I cannot handle all of this alone anymore. It is interfering with the rest of my life.
I love my body and I want to be healthy and mentally sane. I can't get into a relationship until I am perfectly content with myself and right now myself needs some work. It's nice that I have the next three weeks off of school so I can just concentrate on this.
Tomorrow I have a busy day ahead of me. I am going to go to U of M Ann Arbor to get all my shit checked out for my juvenille rheumatoid arthritis, then I am going to buy a new bible, one that I can write in and maybe a few self help books. I will also be attending a meeting at 9 pm to get myself some help. It's time to start the journey to recovery and I am so ready. Ive made a few attempts but always got scared and ran away. It's time for a change, I need this. I love myself and I would like to take care of myself. I only have one body and I want to stop abusing it.
So here it is world, I am flawed. It's time to get over this. Food has a hold on me and God I am calling out to you. Unvierse I need your help. Guide me through this, uplift my spirit so I have the strength to heal myself.
I am pledging abstinance from wheat, flour and sugar in an effort to rid my body of the disease of cravings and addicition. I really picked a good time for all of this, right around the holiday season, but I can do it! I am a strong woman, I will regain control of my life!
I am in control. I just need to remember that. Food can no longer have a hold on me. There is more to life than food. I need to face my fears.